The “Unpacking” series has been my attempt to keep it real with myself. I have taken an honest look at issues I have, that I have been in denial of, that have literally made me ill on some days, in an effort to see my total self. In an effort to be a better human, woman, and employee, particularly. I have confronted Codependency and Introvertism.
In this final segment, I am unpacking a real heavy bag of mine that has caused me to emotionally react and, in some cases, take “dramatic exits”. I call this:
The self-sabotage bag.
For years, I have been dealing with issues that have impacted my ability to see beyond given circumstances that are less than pleasant, maybe even triggering. The reality is that I:
(1) Have a fear of professional commitment and (2) I do not know how to properly deal with emotional “raw spots”. These realities have caused me to lose vision in my professional-personal life. And the results, I admit, have been self-sabotaging.
With these kind of issues, we end up having knee-jerk reactions because it’s a quick way to feel in control. Our identity becomes shaped by our triggers. We even wander the real world looking for opportunities that will make us appear to be a boss in the digital world; and when something goes awry or loses its excitement, we jump ship. It all leads to perpetual physical disconnection and, in some cases, extreme people-pleasing.
To fix this:
I am committing to my place of employment, meaning I will stop delaying my love for and loyalty to the work. (It’s funny: the moment I made this decision, I hung my degrees on the wall. I put up framed pictures of my family. And after two years, I dealt with the boxes in the corner.)
To fix this, I will also make a real investments in my community. Buy land. Actually use the word “home” more, and adopt a spiritual regimen that helps me navigate jumbled realms of thought, feeling, and emotion. I will maintain authenticity while I grow.
My ultimate ask of God is to help me participate in my physical world with the knowledge and know-how I have accumulated/earned/purchased, minus the paranoia that something is going to go wrong. Ultimately, I have a right to be here and doing this work is my honor and duty.
And God, please, allow me to allow people, places, and circumstances to be imperfect. Allow me to acknowledge my own imperfections.
And if I mess up, give me the words and actions to apologize, fix it if I can, and vow to not repeat the mistake.
For the first time in my adult life, I feel like my feet are planted. I’m home. Roots have finally begun penetrating the soil. And I’m gonna let it happen.
Bags unpacked/ end of series.
Clinnesha is a writer, wife, mom, meta-artist, and social entrepreneur who feels most accountable to southern, black citizen-artists, elders, children, and families. Her work is at the intersection of arts, culture, innovation, and community.