First off, let me apologize for calling you by your first name. I honestly don’t know your official title. (Plus, give me some credit. I didn’t say, Becky-in-Chief, which I kind of felt should be your official title.)
So it’s Women’s History Month and I wanted to give you the credit that you are due. You are the first woman to successfully run a presidential campaign. (You know, besides Olivia Pope. Since we all live in a reality TV show, I think it’s fair to pretend that TV shows are real life.)
So listen, your name is already slated for the history books. Honey, You have done it. You engineered an unbelievable (I mean literally, unbelievable) campaign. Weeks in, and you’ve already dropped little nuggets like “alternative facts” and “Bowling Green Massacre”.
And how could anybody forget the infamous picture of you on the couch. let’s talk about it for just a second? You are at least a magician. You make mountains out of molehills. You turn pricks into presidents. Yet in that picture, you were reduced to an ill-mannered, uncultured, disrespectful, privileged piece of American History…and therein, dearest Kelly Anne, lies the problem. You see, you have fallen into the impossible duality we require of women. We expect our female leaders to be both bold and beautiful. They must be simultaneously leather-skinned and lady-like. They must at the same time be feminine and fearless. And if a woman happens to be too much or too little of one or the other, she loses her appeal. (And in worst case scenarios, her name becomes synonymous with a swear word or worse. I read an article that said 40% the president’s supporters thought the female democratic candidate was a literal demon. (And no, I will not use said candidates name in the same article with yours. She deserves her own letter, as do you.))
The truth is, Kellyanne we are all living on the wrong side of history. We don’t know what will be written in the annals of time after we’re gone. We can only try to shape the narrative as best we can, by living out our values, and doing what we can to make the world a better place.
So my dear Kelly Anne, congratulations on your tremendous success. My prayer is not that history is kind to you, but that you are kind to it. There are women on the other side of time who are depending on you. (Assuming, they haven’t figured out how to replace women in the future with androids, with the proposed budget cuts, I don’t see those advances in science happening any time soon.)
Wishing you the best,