Serenity Sunday: The Coming of Spring

Lately I’ve been reflecting on the beginnings of the pandemic. When visiting a loved one was the greatest risk you could take so you didn’t. We came to know grief as if it were a new room in our domain. In our season of isolation, we began to see the world differently. We learned that there’s so much more to life; so much more to relationships; so much more to us. We learned it was best to not get used to anything because anything and everything was liable to change—enter Anxiety. We mourned our bygone lives and eventually turned over new leaves. We emerged after what felt like the longest winter ever, and reconnected with the loved ones we had remaining.

Now, spring has resurfaced, and a wave of grief is upon me. This month marks a year since my mother passed away suddenly. March 25th. A year later and I’m still very disoriented and out-of-step. She’s really not coming back.

The brain’s response to loss— any kind of loss— is peculiar. You don’t want prayers as much as you want that person back. You just want that person back. You long for their love, for sensible days, and better circumstances. I consider it a miracle and an outcome of sincere prayers that I’m still able to function, work, commune, create new memories, build new legacies, and do motherhood… without her here.

📸 Tempestt Page

I often back-scroll in my photo gallery and text messages, which tells the foreboding story of March 2021: the picnic we had on the reservoir with my sister and her family, the Serenity Everyday photo shoot; my husband grilling in our backyard; the plan for all the girl-grands to sleepover at NaNa’s on Good Friday; and that 2nd Pfizer dose.

So much has happened since last spring.

Every day I look up at the sky and wonder if it’s really her overtaking the clouds. When the dawn is all blush and bronze, I whisper to her. Then, I remember how she was committed to the soil. It confuses me for a moment, and then I am reminded that heaven and earth are one.

She’s really not coming back, is she?

Clinnesha is a wife, mom, daughter/sister/auntie, literary artist, humanities scholar, and social entrepreneur. Her advocacy work is at the intersection of black/feminist thought, arts, culture, and community. She is currently promoting her book of personal narratives, Serenity Everyday, a passion project adapted from this blog.

One thought on “Serenity Sunday: The Coming of Spring

  1. My lovely Niece, Well said We Thank God for allowing Us to enjoy Our Sister, Mother, Husband, Grandma,,and other things she shared with others..but it was time God said…And than the Family Circle has broken But she maybe be gone physically but Jackie Spirits still lives on. We have so so many Memories to hold onto., and Yet A Year is upon Us. So clear we all can reflect, I can becuz it was the Day before Mama’s Birthday. But We have A Father in Heaven that has carried Us Since than.. Clinnesha U and the other Sister’s know All about God becuz it was taught to You by paw paw Ernest ant Granny Dot, and of course your parents…God has carried All of U when U thought U saw One foot print it was Two. God is our Everything ‼️Your Good days out weighed your bad days. Then He comes around and pick You back up. Always remember Auntie is always here for all of you. We❤️❤️You

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