Musings on Early Recovery

 

—-  A Facebook Status from this Week —-IMG_8804

– I am really happy right now.
I talked to maybe half a dozen friends or family last night and shared the reasoning, or the circumstances.

There are things I do not like about my life today, primarily my contact and rhythms of contact with my kids. Financial aspects of life this year took the biggest hit backwards, but I am resilient and rebuilding as quick as possible.

BUT, that doesn’t shape my happiness right now.

Part of the reasoning is I have mourned the death and all of its stages and just THIS WEEK suddenly realized “Freedom and authenticity” are yours again.

I could write a long piece about this (you think?..he writes long pieces about everything HA) but I’m in a hurry and just wanted to write something in stream of consciousness to log my HAPPY STATE.

Divorce was hard on me. It is not just about a person, it’s about an idea, it’s about vision, it’s about time invested, it’s about children, it’s about algorithms of things 3 years out that seemed harder and less practical than putting in work, so I stand by all my decisions there.

I did my best with insights given to me. Again, a challenging and unusual period, but I am at peace, have no regrets, frankly am proud of my efforts. My children may have no idea for a few years, but one day they’ll put it all together and at the very least know how hard I tried to make the daily dad life work.

And trust me, I have hopes in 2 years that show me MANY days per year, if not all, are very close to them. I didn’t step into recovery to be average, and I didn’t B Rabbit my life story and spring circumstances to stall momentum. It did what I always felt it would, created the largest surge of my life.

When the truth is out, nothing can be used against you in your own mind, or otherwise. It becomes about the facts of today, not the speculation of yesterday.

On record I have soul love and care for not only the children, but their mother. I don’t think that ever goes away, to me love shifts into “no conditions” but if it left me that fast, was it even real? (ponder this some)

Anyway, my closest friends and family advised me 4 years ago, to develop a 2 year plan to get there smartly as an adept in the language, evolved contacts, and a plan before leaving. I chose adventure and love…..LOL…and ya know, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I just won’t take those risks again.

So…..today? It’s been 20 years since I had the freedom to date or meet for coffee, talk on the phone to female friends while cooking and cleaning and just catching up.

My recovery life is growing, I hit a lot of meetings, have a great sponsor and another spiritual mentor, a therapist who’s also become a friend…..

And all my new friends, all the new people in my personal sphere? They know about April 23rd, drug court, and how a person can decide to change a life in radical ways. People today support and accept that, or they don’t. I just don’t have time for ambiguity. I chose that option, probation and the felony being removed b/c of first time drug offender act was also something I could have quietly done.

I wanted the accountability. I wanted to see a part of our system that I believe in, work from the inside out. There was a conscious decision to become a vocal advocate about things working in the system, not a quiet secret about a mistake I made one spring.

Odd thing is by being so transparent, I Have the deepest and most wonderful soul sisters, brothers, and friends and otherwise that I have ever known.

People make mistakes. Life circumstances can crack your shell. And that will either rip you to an awful death, or prepare you for the most awesome life.

I feel all things have prepared me for today, and my last relationship, ironically enough, was the most valuable of 45 years of living.

It brought me the edges. The best of what a team can do, and the most uncomfortable. The international benefits of a multicultural family, and the hardships of what that means if you fall out of each other’s grace.

It showed me every crayon in the book. It was never designed to be a typical relationship, we both wrote about that in length. It was meant to teach, to shape, and when it worked, it worked great.

And for me, living an examined life, the worst parts probably hold the most value.

Because my chance to see my weak spots got the most light ever. And I am here to calcinate those rough edges.

Period.

So much to be grateful for. So many new connections, and collaborations are brewing.

Happiness is a state of mind, a byproduct (for me) of living by spiritual principles and being honest, open, kind, curious, and when afraid? Checking in with others, doing an inventory, being humble enough to say “what do I do now?”

My faith is strong, and the temporal loss of my kids i Know WITH EVERY FABRIC OF MY BEING, will change soon. I hold that power to some degree, not like you Americans with children across the state lines. But ultimately, I can go anywhere and change my life to anything I wish it to be.

As long as I don’t choose escapism in any of its 1000 forms, there is no going back. (anything we do obsessively to avoid emotional growth, is an issue)

So.
Much.
Value
In.
Failures.

2019 is about Connections and Winning. I have learned my share for some time from an enlightened approach to life which means living so that I see everything, every experience as a teaching tool.

Blame and resentment to not equal happiness. They are poisons.

Master of my fate, captain of my soul. And today I will be damned if I let my ego take full control. I sleep good at night because of faith in how tomorrow will look.

I work hard in the day because of free will.

We are in this together. The web is real, and I am doing my best to repair the web I so deeply believe in.

“The Common Thread” is woven between us all. The division of politicals or country or false ideas of fear driven information are illusory.

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