It’s fair to say that the environment I know I’m best suited in, is a family structure. And I reflected this hour on what that means to me today, and what I am supposed to do with that insight based on where I am.
I have learned so much along the path we call life. The seasons of chaos, uncertainty, and loss teach far more than the seasons of unity, understanding, and love. But what the path does teach us, and what I hope we take from every situation is this – what values and way of life suits us best. What we fight for, patiently wait for, or simply accept as turning out not as we had hoped, but trust that the right thing emerges in the universe’s timetable, not ours.
When we examine where our coping mechanisms have been trained to handle life’s struggles closely, we can begin to see the patterns throughout our life that are constant. For me, both in therapy and working closely with a spiritual mentor, my pattern is a feeling – fear- that I’m about to lose something I value and this clearly stems back to my origins of being a human. Letting go is something I struggle intensely with. It’s both a blessing, and a curse.
I am a big fan of Will Smith, and his epic perspective sharing on taking responsibility for your life versus holding onto resentments that make us victims is spot on. But part of taking responsibility for the things in our life, is UNDERSTANDING why we are behaving in ways we do. Substance abuse is a coping mechanism, a way to deal with life. It is a habit loop that gets engrained and takes work to retrain. But as science is clearly showing, this part of our brain can indeed be neurologically changed…but the work is serious and it also involves another important, mystical element – belief.
It’s really the same for someone with co-dependant issues, eating problems, not exercising, poor sleep, etc. It takes effort to create new habits that are sustainable, but indeed it’s possible. In fact, one of the most exciting parts of big life changes that stem from dark nights of the soul, or incredibly difficult periods of life..is the understanding that when one part of our life can change, EVERYTHING can change.
My father was not around when I needed that guidance. In fact, his presence continues to sort of be in my consciousness as I attend to the Great Work. When we have a deep wound that is buried beneath a bunch of surface stuff, we keep re-creating and manifesting situations tied to that same fear. And other eyes are helping me see my issues of control, my fear of letting go, is tied to early observation that things that matter might just disappear.
It gets really sticky when you know your gift, your purpose, is so tied to children…yet you find yourself so far from the ones you thought you’d be involved directly in. Well, that is short sided thinking that was part of my habit loop I needed to get a strong hold on. Intense sadness or a feeling that an “ideal” is gone forever, can trap us, until we are able to see past the short term and into the long term. With my own father leaving as I was a young boy and staying absent most all my childhood, my own fear that my not being around meant that I would become the same person, is an easy idea to get swept into. It creates scenarios where you push too hard, because your subconscious says “No, not again.”
But I am not him, I am me, and nothing will stop me from being somewhat involved and taking part in my children’s life whether it’s nearby or 4300 miles away.
Despite having very little contact with my children today, I can put work into my own life, business, dreams, and emotional health all tied directly to the ethos and origins of Solgave, which ironically enough, is a family vision.
The ideas behind it were not manufactured, for me it came on the heels of seeing how much benefit unique and natural therapeutic activities can heal a broken spirit. I believe in holistic approaches to mental health and emotional well being. I believe in unconventional use of animals and nature as mirrors to our own soul and state of mind. I believe in a concept talked a lot about in the last 6 years, called the Solgave Project.
At risk youth have a special place in my heart, so do the dynamic of teams and relationships. This is based on things I know well, value intensely, and have passion about growing my understanding. Despite external changes as of late, it’s showed me that the principles and values behind that vision mean more to me than ever before.
Like anything of value, we need patience and an ability to see the steps through to get a destination further out on the map. This is where most people give up, and move on to something else.
Patience is NOT my best trait, and I have an intense ability to do a lot fast, but I need a lot of time of reflection and guidance through other eyes to see things the clearest. So that is what I am doing now. Acceptance is the answer to everything, and radical acceptance, a belief that all things are as they should be, is a state of mind I know, and one I keep wanting to gain more depth into. It is a space of true peace, a true belief that nothing is out of line, that everything is teaching us along the way.
Today I can deal with sadness of not seeing my kids off to school, or the memories of bike rides and walks to the fjord. Because I know this, I keep my eyes set on the long term, than the very reasons I flew to the United States in January can come to fruition. That goal was to rebuild SAS with the knowledge and insights of 5 years in business, with the long term view that building this organization in this region can mean that I can travel to see them regularly and hopefully expand concepts in markets all over the world one day.
You’d be crazy to not think that I want to purchase a place near them one day. What dad would not? I love Scandinavia and one of the reasons my Instagram account (primary one) still holds that handle, is my heart is just that. An American in Scandinavia as well as Fayetteville, Arkansas.
There is such beauty in both parts of the world. Such beauty in the view that each parent of those children holds. Just because I am not getting things the way that I want, doesn’t mean that it’s wrong.
It was my lack of faith that I see now, that got in the way. I could speak the lingo and talk spirituality to anyone, but did I really believe that the process unfolding was it should be? No, I did not.
This created a sense of inner panic, and poor judgement. I can’t take that away, but I can use the knowledge to keep growing in the right direction. This is the beauty of a growing relationship to the guide of the Universe I call Source.
And a deeper understanding the more I learn, the less I know for sure. And slowly…seeing that reality with a genuine smile.
“Nothing every goes away until it’s taught us what we need to know.” Pema Chodron