My story is raw, powerful, and I am ready to be authentic again. Out of respect for my former marriage, the mother of my children..and just an uncertainty in how to tell the story about the lessons learned the last few years, I held back a lot in the last couple of years. It was me, but not ME.
I become obsessed with winning my family back. It was a “cause” I found noble, and like the meaning of my last name (Ritter), I embodied the “Knight” I thought I was and should be.
What I know for sure, is dependance upon people, places, or things is a setup for resentments along with additional pain and suffering. I was a ship with no map, no crew that could decide on a destination, and I was stubborn at the bow.
We need plans in life, because uncertainty can create a conflict inside ourselves, and its just human nature to set goals and push forward. It’s part of our DNA to chart out a map that is our own life, and I love doing that again in a way that I KNOW nothing can affect the plans I make.
To be honest, I don’t know whether my actions were smart or not, I just stand by my reasoning at the time and I’ve accepted it. I needed my partner to surrender to a cause that was our relationship, and the vision we shared. I have a hard time letting go of things I believe in, and the paradox and difficulty I had was that same desire that can save about anything I set my mind to, put me on a course that left me unstable, no housing I could count on and no financial resources once everything I had was gone.
Marriage to me is work at the point the new wears off, but what I know for sure, is it takes two people that want to work at it. There’s no secret to happy relationships, they are a reflection of the work put in. That’s my opinion anyway, and I don’t leave that relationship jaded, quite the opposite; I leave it inspired by an even deeper understanding of what I value so much, and what I simply don’t want to deal with again.
I put that cause above my own well being to be honest, and after the third divorce papers were in front of me (two times prior we reignited before a timeline of reconsideration had expired) – I collapsed. Full on relapse and judgement so impaired and a heart so beaten and broken, I did what I knew to do, medicate the pain away.
My former wife was a twin flame type relationship. Never a typical husband and wife, it was about calcination, showing me my greatest strengths and my biggest weaknesses. I find this type of relationship to have intense meaning, because of how hard it becomes. I learned the most, not through her direct support or insights, but by an assessment of what my triggers to somebody so powerful were all about.
Every adept path I know has someone around them that triggers to stay tuned into their weak spots. We don’t know how we’ll handle stress when nothing around us is stressful.
Culture gaps, family caught in the middle, two languages and a pile of circumstances stacked against us at the end.
After a final free fall this spring and a true breaking of my spirit, I let the divorce and the finality of that journey sink in, and suddenly realized I was more than okay. I was free to be me again.
What she always wanted, I believe, was the same thing. For me to be free of needing her, and her to be free to do as she pleases. One day I’ll write a book about that unique love story. It launched a lot of things I care about, including my first original brand and a little boy born at home. (and a soul daughter who I don’t know as different)
Today I finish a week working side jobs, and instead of submitting a post on a medicinal smoothie I wanted to write from my heart in stream of consciousness.
I see so much different with the lens that is my perception right now. I can’t give up inches anymore, because life – like the game it is – is won or lost by inches. It’s our daily work, my sleep efforts, prayer practice, my planning and first hour patterns, it’s what I eat, it’s the discipline of my meditation…it is the little details that add up.
These are the tools that work against our ego, that allows the light to fully shine.
I used to think, my god I lost the woman I love. Now I think, what a unique journey we had, and who knows what is in store for us. I like the idea of her moving on and seeing others as well as I think it’s good for me.
I used to think, how can I leave my two kids? I waited a life to be a papa. Once the pain of this finally wears off, now I see it like this. “I am building a life to make me healthy, happy, and financially secure so that I can travel to see my kids and show them a neat life here.”
No jealousy anymore, just trust in the universe and a belief that after I give my all every day, that the results are acceptable to the Universe.
Solgave Animal Solutions is back with 3 new people I can build around. I will use this blog space to reflect on my former soul mate and I’s journey, the foundation of what I call “The Great Work” tied to recovery from addiction.
And how and why I believe my sacrifice and hard work will pay off in regards to this dream I believe in with all my heart.
Follow along, hit subscribe, and watch my journey unfold. I will do a weekly Youtube once I get settled in NWA.
There is no win or lose in the paradox of the game of life, only learn. Good things are the celebrations of the hard work. The tough things?
That’s the meat of the journey, the nuggets we can learn the most from.