Because I will be on “maternity leave” during Mother’s Day 2018, I wanted my last Serenity Sunday post to be a tribute to motherhood; a reflection of the maternal bonds I have with my children… my heartbeats… and some real talk about what continues to make this third pregnancy experience different.

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I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Not a me-first mom or a best friend mom, but a woman who has a true commitment to motherhood– a complete mom– is what I ultimately desire to be. Someone who has deeply sacrificed and failed immensely, but thrives on everything she has gained (which is a lot… a hell of a lot).

I remember when I was pregnant with Kaylee and Karlee…the week prior to giving birth was a special time for me. I dedicated the days to spiritually grounding myself. I remember how their nurseries were all setup and smelling of fresh linen, their sweet little baby clothes and blankets were washed, folded, and organized, bottles were sterilized, the house was safety-proofed, and I’m sure I had a few weeks worth of food stocked in the freezer and pantry. I remember keeping the lamp on in the nursery, peeping in, and imagining what a tiny body would look like resting in the crib.

In nearing my “week-prior” for baby number three, I’m not seeing lots of meditative opportunities in the coming weeks. I’m definitely seeing some Wal-Mart runs and DIY projects. Keith and I are currently re-evaluating rooms in our home to make things more spacious and convenient. We still have a lot of work to do in the baby’s room. (We used to refer to it as the “nursery”, now we call it “the baby’s room”.) We did get the crib put together about a week ago, but a couple of parts are backwards, so we’ve gotta fix that; and we still need stuff… bedding, bottles, a car seat…

I think I’m nesting, but I’m also not sure if I ever stopped nesting.

I really want to factor in this meditation time ’cause… I know it was nothing but God’s Grace that got me through Kaylee’s cluster feedings and Karlee’s colic.

Yeeeeaaah, I need to God-up and get my house in order…

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Apprehension was my state of mind this past Monday. By Friday, I was beginning to see things from new angles:

SO WHAT if we don’t have everything in place before my baby boy arrives. We’re two weeks and three days from going into the hospital, and I’m just now thinking about a breast pump. SO WHAT. We may not have every single item we’ll need, but what we need will get got. Wal-Mart is open 24-7. Besides, experience has taught us to leave room for serendipity. It has proven to us that we will have to learn to function in chaos. Experience has also taught us that in desperate times, what’s really needed is patience or a shift-change so that the person who’s panicking can have a moment.

Keith often tells me that I’m “the engine”. I know exactly what he means by this and I know this is largely due to my personal quiet time. Going back to the importance of that meditative week prior to giving birth. In my alone time with God, I wasn’t earning grace points nor was I summoning supermom powers. I was making peace with uncertainty. I was coming to terms with the things I was certainly losing– my body, my rest, my solitude, my self. I may have been organized, but I was no where near perfect. And things were not going to go perfectly in my home. I received that message… in the quiet moments…

In the quiet moments, I learned that I didn’t know what to expect from the new baby. I had to trust that we were going to be okay. And we were. And we will be.

I am a forever mother.

I am a soft place

and a hot mess,

with a little psychic power,

OCD and a rescue plan.

Singing “Yes Jesus Loves Me”.

Teaching canaries to find their song before they fly away.

Happy Mother’s Day. ♥