This year has dealt me a few blows. There have been headshots, where I have doubted my own intelligence. There have been body blows, when I have felt betrayed by my own physicality. After being fairly healthy for the last 15 years, I have found myself in the emergency room twice (so far) in 2017. And every single blow I absorbed effected my bottom line. In short, 2017 has not been kind.

Friday night, a medical emergency literally knocked me to the floor. As of press time, I do not have a clear diagnosis, but several non-medical professionals have guessed that surgery may be necessary and i’ll Be out of commission for weeks. I won’t even get into how problematic that would be for my family.

Anyway, I’ve been down since Friday, unable to do much more than answer calls from concerned family and friends and cuddle with my youngest child. I’m unable to drive, unable to walk, and completely dependent on other people to bring me basic things like food, water, and pain medication.

I do not enjoy being dependent. Nothing sinks me deeper into despair than being unable to care for myself. As wife and mother, I’ve gotten used to people depending on me. Now I have to ask the kids to bring me my crutches, just so I can get to the bathroom. I am down.

My heart hurts every time I have to ask somebody to bring me something. I get frustrated every time I see something on the floor, and I cannot bend over to pick it up. I’m exhausted when hubby tells me to sit down (again). Yesterday, I got up to pour myself a glass of eggnog. I couldn’t carry it back to my perch on the couch. The baby had to carry it for me. I am down!

It’s Christmas. I can’t buy gifts, or hang stockings, or help bake the gingerbread cookies. I feel like I am ruining the holiday for my babies.

I have been laid low. Nobody could argue that. I am most certainly down, but thank God, I am not out.

Every time I feel like I’m sinking into the abyss, a loved one comes to buoy my spirits. Sometimes, it’s a much needed laugh with a friend. Other times, it’s a text from a loved one seeing if I need anything. A couple of times, the kids have pulled me from the doldrums by praying for me, or offering to help.

I’m down, but it’s Christmas, and I believe that the little baby Jesus laying the manger, grew to be the same Jesus who raised Lazarus from the dead. My little health problem is no issue for Him. So as I lay here, feeling mighty low, I will do my best to lift up the name of the one who can raise me up.

If you are down this holiday, like so many people are, i’m praying, that you too, receive a Christmas miracle.

Mama Radford