Reconstructing Mommy(pt.2)

It wasn’t the direction I had planned for my life and it remains a far cry from my dreams yet here I stand without regrets.   When my love stepped off the plane I thought, for once, maybe things would be alright as I built my new family.  The signs were there to warn me against my naivety but I was too blinded by what I was sure I wanted.  While I will spare you the gory details of how we fell apart and how that robbed me of my identity, I feel, for the sake of reconstruction, some light must be shed.

My husband, to this day, denies having an affair with one of his co-workers while I went through pregnancy alone or conspiring with her after coming here to go back to her within 6 months, rich from the profits of our marriage.  I’d rather believe him but the evidence is too much and him walking away from a once in a lifetime visa and abandoning our daughter is just a pill I’ve had no choice but to swallow.

How do you move on from such a stunning blow after brainwashing yourself that it was all that you dreamed?  How do you shape yourself into the person you need to be for your daughter that you never identified with before?

First I will say my method is working for me. This isn’t everyone’s solution.  I only share it to reach out to other women in vicious cycles and for the children along for the ride. Our books may not be exact copies but I promise we share some pages.  Within all them lies the directions to recovery of self and the strength of realization of potential.

1.  Accept the things you can not change. It’s alright to find yourself in a situation that maybe only or partially not of our making.  It’s called life. It’s how you recover from the situation that determines strength of character.

2. Don’t be afraid to make new mistakes. A part of growth is how to make the most of the good and the bad.  Mistakes or only lessons God assigns us to get things right eventually.

3.  You are not the  bad guy.  When we attempt to use common sense and life experience we often have people whispering in our ear that we shouldn’t be so cynical, don’t be angry, learn to forgive. This is all well and nice but in your need to not be rage filled don’t ignore your feelings all together.  Cry, be angry, whatever but don’t stop feeling something.

4.  You are not the good guy either. Imagining ourselves in a world of absolutes is not healthy. Leave heroes versus villains to the Disney movies.  The truth is that in every moment of our lives, both good and bad we have knowledge and should take responsibility for the directions our lives take.  The refusal to take responsibility leads to a victim mentality.

5.  Not getting your dream is not the end of the world. Sometimes it can be a revelation into God’s purpose on your life.  I never imagined myself a mother.  I would have bet wages that I would never be a soon to be divorced single mother.   That was the hardest part about the abandonment.  I had done everything to deal myself the best hand both before and after my mother’s death, I had been nothing but kind and generous to the world and I get handed back this crap on a stick hand for my troubles.   Many months were wasted questioning God but I did finally find my answer in my daughter’s eyes.

6.  Let go and let God. You can be miserable fighting simple truths or you can work hard with what life gives you and see where you end up. My daily mantra is that God does not make mistakes.  If I am going through something it is either for a blessing or a lesson, hang in to find out.

7.  Never stop dreaming new dreams and refurbishing the old ones.    So maybe I didn’t get the adopted kids, the house in Buckhead, the premed husband or the chance to work in Cancer Research but I’m happy. Every morning I wake up happy because now I dream of days with my daughter, I imagine all the potential in her and I imagine where the next leg in my journey will lead.

 

~L.M. Carbonell

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