FUNKADELIC FRIDAYS: “Never Again”

dark dancefloor

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into coming here.  I don’t belong in a place like this.  My mother calls places like this ‘dens of iniquity.’  I can’t even see anybody.  The lights are so low.  How is a body suppose to see who, or what they are dancing with?”

The D.J. puts on the song Ladies Night by Kool and the Gang.  Keisha, dancing in her chair, yells above the music.

“Girl, just shut up and enjoy the night.  You need to un–wind.  Your job has you so anal, the fellas are calling  you ‘Anal Annie’.  By the way, you DO remember what a guy is, don’t you?  Tall; dark; Fau-ine!”

Several people sit around the bar. The music is so loud.  My eardrums are exploding.

I won’t be able to hear a word when I get home.  Mother will fuss while I have a dumb look on my face.  Hey Mom, I can’t hear you because I lost my hearing at the Two Guys Club.

Ann.  That guy at the end of the bar is looking at you.”

I crane my neck.

“Which guy? There are a lot of guys at the bar.”

How can she see in this darkness?

“The cute one in the blue shirt and jeans that are screaming ‘have mercy.'”

I can’t see a thing.

“Kesha.  I need to leave.  This place is creepy.  I’m not use to this kind of thing.”

The bartender places a drink before me.

“Ah, excuse me.  I didn’t order this.”

A smile spreads across his face that makes me extremely uneasy.

“No Miss.  The gentleman at the end of the bar sent it to you.”

I KNOW that I’m not drinking that.  NO WAY!

Looking down the bar, I see a dark figure with teeth.  LOTS OF TEETH.  All I see in this pit are dark figures and shining teeth.

“Thank, but no thanks.”

I turn to discover Kesha missing from her bar stool.  Frantically scanning the dance floor, I spy her and some guy smooshed together in this ocean of people.

I’m gonna tell her about her ‘hoochie style’ dancing when she gets back to this seat.

Kesha approaches with a grin so wide, her eyes disappear into her cheeks.

“Girl, what are you grinning for?  I told you three times already.  I don’t feel comfortable here.  I want to leave. I am saying it for the last time.  I want to leave now!”

Kesha, looking irritated leans forward.

“Hey. Don’t get all stank with me. It’s not my fault you can’t handle a man.  You can catch a cab.  I’m staying.  You are not going to ruin my night.  Take your party pooping, grandma, tired behind on home.”

Kesha, walking back to the dance floor, flips me off.

“That really hurt Kesha. You didn’t have to go there.”

NOW what do I do?

I rise from my bar stool.  I stumble.  Mr. Drink man with the shining teeth catches me.

“I was hoping that you would fall for me but I had no idea that it would be so soon.”

Dashing for the exit, I seek the refuge of a waiting cab.

Never again! 

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