I spoke to your father today about writing you a letter but I may have to keep his private for you. He is too leery of the internet and its lack of privacy I am afraid. Your mother is not, not really anyway. I write to you in full knowledge that my words are available for the world. I’m not ashamed of my love for you and feel far more comfortable typing them now than letting you see their truth in my eyes in the years to come.
I want you to take for granted my love for you and never understand the sacrifice a mother makes and is willing to make for her child. I am told by the world to “take it easy” and to “think of the life I am carrying”. It frustrates me because there are no words for the first time I watched the flicker of your heartbeat on the sonogram monitor, fast and strong. From that moment on my life does not matter. I only live, eat, take endless blood sugars for you. I will fight to defy the odds of my family health history and live longer…live better for you. You are the one person above anyone else I would not hesitate sacrificing my own life to see you live one more moment, one more joy, one more time.
I have never nor will ever feel a love so great and I wonder now in my loneliness if your grandmother felt this way in Maricopa County Hospital, peering into my own face that fall noon time in 1979. I watched her fight many battles to have just one more day with me, to share one more experience with me, to comfort me just one more time. It’s only now in her loss, in the flicker of your heart beat that I fully understand that love and while I wish you many grand experiences, I do not wish you this one little ducky.
Kisses my sweet,