Being predominately Southern in my upbringing, I don’t often say MANY of the things that pop into my head.  And yet, on those occasions when I walk into a service provider’s store to talk about mobile phone contracts, my Yankee blood get to pumpin’ and I struggle to “keep the muzzle on” so to speak.

This is one of those times that I came close to going all Yankee Doodle on a clerk that I fondly refer to as:

“All The Things You’d Like To Tell Your Mobile Service Provider But Don’t Because It’s Not Polite (The PG-rated version)”

Sales Person (SP): “So what can I help you with today?”

Me: “We need to talk about new phone plan options and save some money on our monthly bill.”

Internal Monologue (IM): “Brace for impact, Laddies!”

SP: “Would you like to take a seat?”

Me: “Sure.”

IM: “Actually, just being in here is making my skin crawl and I have the distinct impression based on your body language and tone that I’m going to have to count from 1 to 100 forwards and backwards to avoid making a scene in front of this police officer you have placed strategically by the front door.”

Me: “We’d like to put all three of our phones on the same plan so that we aren’t paying $300/month for our mobile phones combined.”

SP: Well, we can put you on a Mobile Share program or you can get new phones today and get on one of our newest promotions.”

Me: “We don’t want new phones today, we’re happy with our current phones.”

SP: “Okay, we can get those changed over for you now.”

Me: “Wait, can you explain the Mobile share program to us please?”

SP: (Confused Look)

IM: “I know she doesn’t think we are about to just sign up for something without her explaining the details.”

Husband: (Looks at me with raised eyebrows at the change in my body language.)

Me: “How much will the bill be if we make this change?”

SP: “$145/month if you get the 10GB data plan.”

Me: “But we have unlimited data now.  Why would we give that up?”

SP: “Well, we’re phasing out all of the unlimited data plans.”

IM: “Say What?”

Me: “Why is that? We’ve been paying for Unlimited Data for years now.”

SP: “Well actually, because we never anticipated the explosion of mobile data usage, we have to eliminate the unlimited data plans and get everyone onto set plans.”

Me: “So, let me get this straight.  I now have to pay for a plan that has less data than my previous plans even though I’ve been a customer with you for almost 15 years?”

Husband: (Puts head in hands and glances at the police officer to see if he has noticed my raised voice.)

SP: “Yeah, I guess that’s one way to put it.”

Me: “Okay, that doesn’t really seem fair or considerate of those who have been loyal customers, but lets set that to the side for a moment.  How much did you say the new plan would cost?”

SP: “$145/month with the 10GB data plan.”

Me: “Alright, well we don’t use anything close to 10GB/month so what will it be if we just get 4GB?”

SP: “$185/month.”

Me: “Wait, what?”

IM: “Did she just say what I think she said?!?!?!”

SP: “Well, our new promotion encourages people to get the 10GB plan because people always use more data than they think they will.”

Me: “We don’t use more than 4GB a month ever.  Pull up our bill, you’ll see.  We only use the data when we aren’t near a WiFi signal.”

SP:  “I can see that, but the 4GB plan will cost you more than the 10GB plan.”

IM: “1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10…”

Me: “Okay, so I have to pay extra money for using less data?  When does the promotion end for the 10GB data plan?”

SP: “It will never end.”

IM: “11,12,13,14,15,16…”

Me: “So you are personally guaranteeing me that if I give up my current plan that says I have unlimited data and buy this plan that says I have only 10GB of data that at no time in the future will this company end this promotion and start charging me more money for 10GB of data?”

SP: “Umm, yeah, I guess.”

IM: “Oh Dear God!  Am I recording this right now? This is like the Twilight Zone for Cell Phones!”

Me: “So, I just want to make sure I really have this right.  People who are responsible with their use of data, those who sign onto wireless that they either pay for separately or have access to in public hot spots so as not to add strain to your national wireless network by streaming over the network, these people are charged more for using less of the system resources?”

IM: “321,123…”

SP: “Well, I guess…”

IM: (BREATH)

Husband: (Places hand calmly on my leg indicating that I need to back down as the Police Officer is now looking in our direction.)

Me: Okay, sign us up for the 10GB plan.”

IM: “Wow…LEMME ME OUT, LEMME OUT so I can tell this woman what you’re really thinking!”

SP: “Great! Can I see your driver’s license?”

IM: “Wait, what does my driver’s license have to do with changing my cell phone plan.  This ain’t a damn car phone!”

Me: (Hands DL over, breathing slowly) “Soooo, what do they make you enter off of my DL just out of curiosity?”

Husband: (Squeezes my leg and shakes his head.)

SP: “You’re expiration date.”

IM: “Oh GOODNIGHT, NURSE! So you can’t change my plan without entering my Driver’s License expiration date?!?  I don’t need a DL to operate a cell phone lady!”

SP: “Would you like to buy into a cool new music program that we have through our company?  It’s free for the first 30 days.”

IM: “Let me get her!  Let me get her!  Is she really trying to sell you more stuff.  (bouncing up and down) I WANNA TURN UP!”

Me: “No thanks, we have Pandora, we’re good.”

SP: “Do you have home security service?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

IM: “What the f#*%!”

SP: “Well, we’re offering home security service on a special promotion if you sign up today.”

IM: “Hold the hell up! You’re trying to get into home security?!?!  You can’t even figure out how to not make your long time loyal customers feel like they are getting jacked!”

Me: (breathe) “Umm, no we have a system already, thanks.”

Husband: “Cough!” (Looks at his cell phone and then towards the door.)

SP: “Here you go, ma’am. You’re all set.  Any other questions.”

IM: “Yeah sure, any other ways you want to try to screw me today you (beeeeep, beeeeeep, beeepity, beeeep beeep beeeeeeeeeep)!”

Me: “No thank you, we’re good, thanks!”

Husband: (Grabs my hand and guides me gently but urgently towards the door.)

SP: “Have a great rest of the day!”

Walking to the car, my husband just looks at me, shakes his head and smiles.

El Fin

~ Marta G.