Grief starts to become indulgent, and it doesn’t serve anyone, and it’s painful. But if you transform it into remembrance, then you’re magnifying the person you lost and also giving something of that person to other people, so they can experience something of that person. -Patti Smith
I was thankful for this themed blog this week but also a bit regretful. I don’t want to keep ripping scabs off of the hurt so that they bleed anew. I want to try to move on. At the same time, the loss of my mother hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel panic, anxiety, and confusion all over again whenever I sit still too long to ponder everything. It has been just under four months, how can I move on?
The truth of the matter is that I’m not moving forward completely. I will never move forward because by doing so would mean leaving her behind. I can not leave her completely, a part of my heart will forever be lost to the rest of the world because I left it in her hand.
My father, my grandfather, my brother, my grandmother, they all took a piece of my heart with them. It makes me wonder how much I have left for those still here. It may not sound fair, it may not seem psychologically sound but it;s what keeps me moving forward, knowing that spiritually I am not separated from my kin. Each of them take a part of me with them until one day I can leave this earth, rejoin them, and be whole again.
I am currently plotting ways to tell my child about the very colorful people of my life before them, the angels watching over them, even the person I used to be before each of their beautiful souls slipped away. This is what I wish to focus on going forward, not on the pain of loss, not on letting go, and never saying goodbye. I simply must keep moving on with whatever I have left to give.