I had this great post planned out in my head this week. It was all inspired by a picture of my son. Between a teething toddler and the wordpress app not working on my phone the post did not get written. Hence, this is not that post.
Instead this week’s post is going to be about something I have been struggling to accept; my mother, who I have mentioned in a previous post, has early onset Alzheimer’s. She is 61 years old and next month begins the process of transitioning her into a retirement home.
This is hard for me to accept mostly because I am a little under 2,000 miles away from her and I haven’t been able to help in her care since she moved back home in 2012. I am upset for her. I am upset about a lot of things that I will not mention here, but mostly I feel that my mother has been robbed years of her life. She will not get to see my son and his cousins grow up. She will not get to be present.
The feeling of powerlessness is overpowering and oppressive. And yet this week during one of the few down times I have I came across this line from BBC’s Call the Midwife. In the episode the main character is coping with the death of someone near and dear and the mother of one of her patients tells her, “You must keep on living until the day you are alive again”. I found that line to be so powerful. As the child of a women that is living with dementia it is hard to mourn my loss of the mother I once had. She is alive yet not.
With all the challenges life throws our way it is hard not to be overwhelmed. Yet those words inspire me to cope, to work through the grief. I will continue to live until I can feel alive. I will work through the challenges for the next calm spell. I will prepare myself for the future by being present and the best version of me for that day, for that week.
More than owing it to my family, I owe it to myself to live, to aim to be alive, to be present. Here is all those out there struggling, emotionally, physically, financially. Ask for help when you need it and do your best to keep on living. The alternative is unacceptable.