I shaved my head. It wasn’t a spur of the moment thing, I have spent a long time thinking about it, considering it, mulling it over, picturing it, and going back and forth on the subject of “being brave enough” for it. Last night Jared and I sat on the couch talking, quietly and lovingly, after a couple of intensely rough and rocky days. It felt so freeing being in a space of “crisis” again (odd, right?), as Jared had just received a letter in the mail saying he was not eligible to stay in Sweden. We got right on it, and I think we may work it out after all.
Anyway, the space of “crisis,” or “emergence,” does something to you. At least to me. It sharpens my senses, gets the ol’ adrenaline rushing, and I get very centered and focused. Maybe I should be an ambulance driver or something. Parachute jumper perhaps? As we sat there, it came to me. Now is the time. Just for fun, I picked an oracle card, and picked “Trust.” Oh ok then! I walked into the bathroom and got out Jared’s clippers. Turns out they didn’t work well on long hair ($18 walmart clippers ain’t hair dresser’s tools after all!), so I started cutting roughly with baby Neo’s nail clippers (tiny scissors). Yeah. It took awhile.
I’m not going to lie, it was tough at times, seeing my long hair fall to the floor. I laughed and cried, but I was surprised to find that I when I cried it was because of something stirring deep inside me. I have never felt more vulnerable.
Somehow it felt right to take my clothes off, piece by piece, and shed layers and layers of protection. I bared my soul and my body, in the most intense spiritual process I’ve ever been a part of. I felt more like a woman than ever before. With no long hair to hide behind, I saw what I had never seen before.
The way I see myself on the inside. The outside has never matched. I am no different than anyone else on this planet. I am no more worth than the flower in the meadow, I am no less worth than any human. I am simply one of all. The web that connects us all… I believe we all are a piece of God. I am a piece of God.
It was so incredibly humbling, looking at myself in the mirror. I looked so… androgynous, so different, so strange… So bare, so open, so vulnerable. It brings out a new side of me, softer, gentler, calmer. Having spent most of my life perfecting my armor, building walls and becoming strong and impenetrable, this is just what I need to continue growing spiritually… Breaking down the walls, showing my soul to the world and not worrying about it.
Not worrying about it. Hah! I could say I’m not conscious of it, but I am TERRIFIED. This is no longer 30 year old, tough, strong, Sunniva. This is 10 year old, untainted, open, loving, sensitive and soft Sunniva. The one who could cry for hours after receiving what some people would consider “advice,” or a mild correction. The one frightened to hear any kind of harsh words. Who would change her life course based on what other people thought. Who believed in herself, but who didn’t dare voice it out of fear of criticism.
I brought her back to show her that this is going to be ok. That the 30 year old Sunniva have got her back. And to stand by her side as she receives harsh words and comments from people close and from strangers, holding her hand and reminding her that their opinions do not matter. “Follow your heart, young Sunniva. You know best what is your path. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.”
I know I will have a lot more to say on this. In the meantime, I’ll settle with once again expressing the freedom, vulnerability and authenticity that I am left with, now that all the hair from my head is gone.
Check out more of the Solgave story on their main website at http://www.solgave.com.