“Not everything that is faced can be changed; but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” -James Baldwin
I promised I would not make this my signature. I will not start with a quote and yet as I worked through a busy work week this was the one thing from the great big internet that jumped out at me. I actually only partially agree with this quote. Not everything can be changed INSTANTLY and some things are not to be changed but rather to change us. This summed up my week in short.
It was with a heavy heart that my favorite Cuban and I discovered that once again we were unsuccessful in conceiving. The worst part is because of electrical issues at work he will find this out on Monday morning. My heart has been breaking all weekend alone…again. I am a strong person though, shaped by my experience and very rarely will I fall to pieces. I immediately shut down emotion as a means of preservation and assess the situation. This made some people uncomfortable.
Despite my seemingly open posts I am a very private person and push myself daily to be less closed off to those around me. I feel I have testimonies and someone in the world needs to hear them. If the words I type can alter one person’s path in a positive way I have succeeded. This week though I realized I have sat back and allowed myself to be cast in the role of constant caregiver and that is the only role I am allowed to be seen in. I don’t need a break and I should have no problems outside of my ability to provide care.
I care around the clock for my mother and while by choice, I am the only one to do it. My brother tries but he eventually bulks under pressure. The rest of my family only looks on from afar and checks on my mental state occasionally under the stress. My mother’s friends are barely more than strangers as she’s lost her vision and has difficulty ambulating without her trusty walker. Her health has changed rapidly these last five years and it seems others don’t know how to deal with that.
I have a laundry list of other changes going on in my own life as I am sure also go on with everyone else. The most fascinating one to most have been my journeys to Havana. People find it difficult to wrap their heads around the fact that he is not a character from a romance novel and yet also not a terrorist or an International Gigolo romancing wide eyed American women. No, he’s just a plain 43 year old that gets up and works, pays bills, and tries to lives his life to the fullest. Our love, while interesting in its origins, holds no deep dark mysteries or Disney quality fairy tales.
To most I have all but stopped answering any questions with more than a yes or no. Refer back to the fact that I am an introvert by nature, don’t like attention, and am extremely protective of my privacy. To a few people I opened up more to and when I say a few, I can count them on one hand. I tell them every emotion, every decision, every experience. Their reactions have been less than stellar. The other night as we faced yet another bump in our long road toward each other I desperately racked my brain for a person to either distract me or to let me talk. I had not a single soul. It appears that as I have grown closer to my heart, who friends and family only know through my own words, I have been let go of by even those I expected more from. I can not say it does not hurt but I have the right to change. It is a natural process; as we grow change will come. Some is not instant, some is more subtle, but change happens to each of us and we must face it.
I confronted each person I felt worth the effort in private conversation and again I don’t find the results impressive. All believe I am angry at them because of my seemingly unwarranted attack. Truly I am not. Again, we all have a right to change and as life moves us that may just be in two different directions and our season is over. I merely wanted to point it out to them and see where it takes us. I too am not a romantic heroine or a dewy eyed college girl searching for love. The love I have is hard fought and comes at great sacrifice to other areas of my life and in many ways to my other relationships. For others it could be a pursuit of career or as they have children. It may be role shifts with their parents/spouses/etc. Just try to be understanding, try to be supportive of what they face, and most of all, if they truly matter to you, continue to let them know it. We all have the right to change.