In the spirit of the coming new year I am writing on resolve for change. This year for me though I intend to only address a single thing with myself. In 2015, I will cease to second guess my own passions, my dreams, my character, my appearance. For the upcoming year my only resolution is to accept myself. I am and will always be enough.
This sounds as if I have self confidence issues and many mistake my introvert personality as someone with low self esteem but it is not the case. Most of my life goals have been accomplished by believing in myself, seeing my dreams coming true even when they were on the brink of being lost forever, and knowing I had the gumption to make things happen. I am a fairly confident person so this is not one of those posts.
No, in the coming year, as another chapter in my life begins to write itself, I am simply wishing to polish off the second half of my thirties reveling in the hard work I have put into my life. I have exhausted myself looking to specialize in nursing, working on degrees (still debating my Masters or PhD). I blew my twenties first on building a career in lending sans degree then starting from scratch with people almost a decade younger than me fighting my way through nursing school. I still keep tab of my classmates to compare notes on specialties, salaries, positions achieved in the six years since graduating. Up until last year I would go into a depression when I’d see another nurse that was younger or less educated surpass me.
On a more personal level I felt at odds my whole life on claiming a race, not claiming any race, or perhaps carving out a niche for biracial people all of our own. My love helped me a lot with this or rather stepping outside of the United States and meeting other black people that don’t define themselves by their race but rather their nationality. I’ve never heard of an African Canadian, an African Cuban, or African Dominican. The struggle I had dealt with my whole life seemed a bit exaggerated in hindsight. My love’s heart beats Cuban and he says simply “Soy Cubano”. I had to ask him to clarify if he was mestizo or mulatto and I laughed out loud as he panicked over images of Ferguson, MO last August. Not because there is a damn thing funny about that situation but because my fiance wanted me to explain racism in the United States to him and how the South treated people “like him”. I asked him what he meant and he responded, “I am black. How will they treat me?” Sadly, my love will probably encounter many prejudices but when people look at him the last thing they will notice is that he is black. They will see what he says, “Soy Cubano”. Well, soy LaTisha. Take me anyway you prefer because most people are going to anyway.
Lastly, I have struggled with my weight and body image issues my entire life. My butt is too flat, my chest is too small, my gut is too large. At almost 400 lbs in 2011, I was struggling with my health so decided to undergo weight loss surgery. It was the best decision of my life because it prevented me from becoming insulin dependent, it stabilized my blood pressures, and generally gave me a new lease on life, It allowed me the next three years to focus on my mother’s care. I am thankful but I also struggle with fear of regaining the 140 pounds lost, the loose skin, the weight that has plateaued the last year, and the fear that I haven’t rid myself of my genetic coding entirely and that eventually I will have the same health issues my grandmothers and my mother suffered from.
I can only resolve to enjoy my life and be content with the blood, sweat, and tears I’ve shed to create the life I envisioned and the life my parents could be proud of. I may still make an effort to improve myself, to enrich my life…to get that darn specialty certification one day but not so much so in the destination that I forget to enjoy the journey.
“It was always the becoming he dreamed of, never the being.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald, “This Side of Paradise”